Because there's always one person who need your attention.

It's yourself. 

--

Night can be called a night when you need a human-made to see the light. I am sitting on the porch, with Gravity song on my ear. My lips are locked. My throats deeply understanding every word this song said. Every single meaning behind it.

Gravity stay the hell away from me.

How can we describe thing as 'bad'? What the criteria--the real criteria to state it as a bad? If you think your life is bad, how can you know that it was or will be good? Isn't bad is just a word to blame for every mistake you've done? For every risk you've taken? For every chances you've left? For every word you've said?

Because what I learned, what you did reflects to what is happening now and what will happen later.

It's a karma. It's not about good nor bad. It's a life.

So what, if your life isn't what you captured before? If it's all about the risk you've taken, the chances you've left, the mistakes you've done, words you've said--how dare you blame for what you got today? Life is always good, you know. For every bad you think it is, you have to look down, see around, to feel what other might feel. To see what other can see that you can't. To understand that you don't have to underestimate your life. No, it's not bad. It's good. It's always good.

Bad or good, it's how you see it.

It's all about perspective.

I don't know how far I see but,

Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel

Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?

I won’t pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

--

one of my favourite song when I was kid,

made me thinking about myself and wondering..

Who am I inside? What do I want? What do I have to do?

Learn from mistakes. Then we'll know who we really are.

And remember; Be yourself. Because everyone else is already taken.

and after all,

Jati diri itu gak pernah pergi ke mana-mana, adanya di diri lo, jadi gak perlu dicari-cari. ;p

here comes the future that you've been waiting for

here comes the future that you've been afraid of

Some time in your life, you'd wish you were a musician. You'd wish you'd record albums, make music videos, and have tour. In my imagination, I do that very often. I would sing an accoustic-kinda-jazzy music, only with two guitars and sometimes a piano. I would cover one The Beatles song in my album; it would be Hey, Jude or Something. I would sing 3 brokenheart songs, I wrote one of them. Two other songs were about life. Two other songs were about love that doesn't work. One other was about love that makes people happy. And the last, I would cover Chrisye's song; Badai Pasti Berlalu. The album title would be Azure, which means Blue Sky. My first single was The Beatles cover, the music video would be black and white, and you could feel emptiness when you watch it. Silly enough? That's how my imagination works.

Maybe Albert Einstein was right. He said imagination is better that reality. Because in reality, I can't even sing. I can't really make music. I don't have guts to sing in front of people.

In imagination, we could be anything we would be.

In imagination, we could live in anything you wanted to be.

In imagination, we were wild. We were perfect. We were free. We were beyond anything.

Because imagination has no boundaries.

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

Tom Hansen, (500) Days of Summer

It's not being alone that I'm afraid of. Feeling lonely when I'm around people is worse than that. Lonely because I know I don't belong there. Lonely because people keep ignoring me, and if they notice me--they do bitch to me. As far as I try so hard to be there, my heart still can't accept that. Sad, I know. But I can't ignore the feeling. I have to face this loneliness.

Because we can close our eyes to the things we don't want to see,

but we can't close our heart to the things we don't want to feel.

And the time is right for falling, this time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay for a taste of your sweet love

I'm gonna fall.. this time I'll fall... gonna fall....

Something in your glances puts a spell on me
As the world fades all around you're all that I can see
And the time is right for falling this time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay for a taste of your sweet love

I'm gonna fall.. this time I'll fall... gonna fall....

(Ash - I'm Gonna Fall)

--

mungkin layaknya tetesan hujan,

memang begitu,

memang adanya,

dan aku terjebak dalam takdir itu;

selalu jatuh.

“Ini... dimana?”

Aku membelalakkan mataku, kaget. Kalau tidak salah aku baru sepuluh menit yang lalu tertidur. Mengapa saat bangun, aku seperti berada di tempat lain?

Aku melihat sekeliling. Merah, semua merah. Ini bukan bumi. Ini bukan planet yang biasa aku tinggali. Ini bukan dunia yang sejak sepuluh menit lalu aku hidupi. Ini tempat asing. Tempat lain. Tempat yang entah ada di mana, di dimensi apa. Aku tak tahu tempat apa ini.

Pelan, aku bangun dari tempatku terduduk semula. Sial. Baru sadar aku bukan tidur di kamarku. Ini jelas aku seperti nyangsang di tempat ini. Dunia merah yang semuanya merah. Aku mengucek kedua mataku dengan kasar, berharap hanya penglihatanku saja yang salah. Tidak, tetap merah.

“Tolooong!” aku mencoba berteriak. Sambil berjalan cepat menelusuri jalan, aku terus berteriak. Berharap ada siapapun itu akan datang, muncul membantuku untuk pulang atau setidaknya menjelaskan dunia apa sebenarnya ini.

Sepi. Tak ada yang menyahut. Tak ada satupun makhluk yang terlihat di sini. Aku baru sadar bahwa aku sendiri. Dunia apakah ini? Mengapa aku harus terkirim ke sini? Aku benci sendiri seperti ini! Aku harus cepat mencari jalan keluar, untuk segera keluar dan kembali ke duniaku. Aku adalah manusia, dan manusia adalah makhluk sosial. Aku tak bisa kalau harus hidup sendiri seperti ini.

“Jangan panik.” Aku berucap untuk diriku sendiri. Bagaimana tidak panik kalau sendiri terpelanting ke tempat yang tidak tahu dimana letaknya seperti ini? Sendiri pula! Kutukan macam apa ini? Apakah waktu berputar sangat cepat saat aku tertidur tadi ataukah ada pergerakan tempat entah seperti apa. Ini aneh. Sangat aneh.

Aku menengadah ke langit. Sama. Awan, langit, semua sama. Bedanya tidak berwarna biru. Melainkan kuning-oranye seperti saat senja. Atau memang ini sudah senja? Aku melihat jamku. Tapi ternyata mati. Aneh, padahal aku baru saja mengganti baterenya minggu lalu. Tidak mungkin mati secepat itu. Apakah itu benar langit? Ataukah hanya terlihat seperti langit dan awan saja?

Aku melihat ke suatu tempat ke ujung jalan. Bukankah itu bunga? Aku setengah berlari menuju bunga tersebut. Selain karena semuanya merah, ini mirip sekali dengan bunga di bumi. Aku mencoba memegangnya.

Tapi bunga itu mendadak menguncup, mengering, menyusut menjadi kecil. Aneh. Awalnya kukira seperti tumbuhan putri malu. Tapi bunga ini malah mengecil, kecil sekali. Benda apa ini? Aku memegang bunga lain yang masih mekar. Sama. Bunga tersebut menguncup, menyusut, mengecil. Apakah ini tumbuhan baru? Atau memang ini bukan tumbuhan, tapi benda asing yang memang hidup di dunia asing ini.

Aku menengok ke belakang dengan cepat. Ada suara seperti gesekan dari arah belakangku. Ada yang bergerak. Tapi tak terlihat apapun. Badanku merinding. Ini sebenarnya tempat seperti apa? Benda-benda apa saja yang tinggal di dalamnya selain gedung-gedung merah, langit oranye, serta bunga merah yang menyusut itu?

Suara gesekan terdengar semakin keras. Aku menengok ke belakang kiri dan kananku semakin cepat dan waspada.

Mereka akhirnya menampakkan diri. Tiga sosok kurus, kecil, tinggi mirip seperti pithecantrophus dengan rahangnya yang khas dan berkaki besi. Tapi sekujur badan mereka semuanya merah, serta berwajah tidak menyenangkan. Mereka mendekatiku dan aku terlalu shock bahkan untuk berbalik dan kabur. Mereka mengangkat senjata yang diambil dari punggung mereka, berbentuk seperti panah yang besar dan gemuk, yang sepertinya berfungsi seperti rudal. Ujung panah mereka mengarah ke mukaku. Dengan muka menakutkan mereka siap untuk menghabisiku dari tempat mereka berdiri sekarang.

Aku memejamkan mata.

Tidak mau melihat apalagi yang terjadi selanjutnya.

--

lanjutin kapan-kapan kalo udah foto pake redscale lagi. mwahahaha.

Kamu terjebak di bawah sinar. Di belakang objek yang selama ini mengikutimu. Tanpa bisa menjadi bentuk yang mandiri, yang tidak tergantung pada apapun.

Tanpa cahaya, kamu tidak ada.

Aku yang kini bukan bayanganmu. Aku tak butuh objek untuk terus aku ikuti. Aku bukanlah bayangan yang tidak bisa bersinar di kegelapan. Aku menciptakan sendiri bayanganku, berteman dengan cahayaku sendiri. Aku memiliki koreografi sendiri di tiap gerakanku, tidak perlu lagi mencontoh tarianmu seperti yang lalu. Aku yang sekarang, tidak lagi terjebak di belakangmu. Aku tidak lagi tergantung akan apapun.

Karena tanpa cahaya, aku tetap ada.

--

Yashica & fuji exp 2007.

No editing.

This is why I love analog <3 div="">

If there's come a day when we can't be together,
keep me in your heart,
I'll stay there forever.

- Winnie The Pooh

His name is Kafka.
He's just a common boy with a common thoughts. His height is average for Indonesian. He's white. He's wearing glasses. He loves The Cure and The Smiths so that he listens them thousand times a day. Summary, he's just another boy.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't have story to share.

"Her name is Alice," Kafka started to share, "She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. She's brown. She loves reading J.D. Salinger--at least I saw her reading Salinger's books more than 10 times."

Sun is up today, it's hot outside. It should be a rainy season. But instead of rain, sun is showing its existence everyday. Kafka lits his cigarette. He said he's hungry.

"I see life is unfair. Life is fucked up. Well, I don't know if another's but mine is. I feel like, God doesn't want to let me have what I want. He just there, watching my steps but still doesn't let me get a better life. I'm on a long road of life. And it ain't a good journey, tell ya. When I'm tired, I see no orange juice on my way. I just see water, a hot one, with no taste. So that means I can't really get my energy back. You know what I mean, right?"

"It started 2 years ago. When I see Alice on the train station. She was a highschooler, a sophomore. She was like an Oasis at the desert. She's green in the yellow. She's an eclipse on the dark night. She's different. She colors my day. I lead my curiousity when I see her. Thing that died since years ago."

"Yes, I was a monotone person. Colorblind. I saw everything's just black or white. I thought we're just living in a greyscale world. My mom died. I didn't get college what I want since JHS. My bestfriend took my girlfriend. Dad got along with girls everynight, sometimes they're sleeping in my room. Brother failed UAN, and he didn't want to re-UAN. He just wanted to live what he want to live. Those made me dying. I feel I had no reason to live gratefully. I feel I didn't wanna know what future brings me into."

"But then Alice came, it feels like 'Hey, you just feel unhappy at most of your lifetime, that makes you're colorblind'. And yeah, since I saw her colorwheels, I see life is rather colorful."

"What you see inside my life? Nothing eh. Nothing to envy. It's plain. It hurts. It's weird, sometimes. It's sick. I know I can't just be complaining, I should be grateful but whatever. I deserve a better life, don't I? I could complain it sometimes, right? I'm a human. And somehow I see people act like they're not human. I hate it."

This is just another night.
I am alone in my room, starring at the dark sky through the window. Moon is hiding somewhere I don't know, maybe too lazy to just pop up in the sky. I'm walking downstairs, house is actually empty. The only sound I can hear is my footsteps. I don't know where they are going. Or maybe I just don't care.

Suddenly night is calling me. I don't know how to accept yet to reject, but I know night is calling me. It forces me to do something. Escape. Run. Or simply to make this is not just another night.

I forgot if I closed the door or not but now I'm walking down the neighborhood. Some of people are having their family time in their home. Most of them are just laughing while watching television, I assume. Trees are dancing with wind. Four kids are playing with fireworks, they are laughing, one of them is wearing Superman costume. That's all I can see so far.

What do people usually do to moving on? I ask to myself. They say I just need some time, some fresh air, or just some new men. Bullshits. I just need... him.

Then here I am. In the corner where we met for the first time. I still remember you were wearing white tshirt and blue skinny jeans, holding a black holga, alone. You were starring at architectural building across the street through your glasses. You smiled like found something good. A good thing that you're the only one who understand it.

"What are you doing in a night like this, young lady?"

I'm freezing at where I stand up. Too scared to know who the hell is talking to me.

"The wind is crazy. You could be ill. You are not even wearing a jacket or whatever. Don't you feel cold?"

I'm turning my body, slowly. There. A boy, or a man, about three to five years older than me, is standing and smiling.

"Are you afraid of me?" he asked. I shake my head. "Not really."
He laughs. He knows I'm afraid of him.

"You are escaping, aren't you?"
I nodded. "Yeah, sort of."
"I guess this is about love. Ah, women.." he giggles. "And this is one of your memorable place eh? Like your first meet?" add him.

"Who are you?" I ask, carefully.
He giggles, again. "Finally you asked that question. Well, I'm a mind reader."
I'm shocked. "W-w-hat?"
"Joking, young lady. Life's easy, don't take it seriously."

"Life is easy for people who have no problem. For me, life's hard."

"Everyone has their own problem, you silly. But some of them know how to solve it, some of them just... don't know what to do, like you. When problems were created, actually They also created the solutions."

"Nonsense." I more to murmur.

"You are nonsense. You just stuck in this problem, you stuck with this man. If you stuck in a point, your life will not moving in. It like stops. You're going nowhere. You have to press the play button again. Time flies so fast nowadays. If you just stop, you can't run chasing the time."

"But I can't. I'm not moving. I need him." I shout.

He looks at me, then smiles. "You don't need him, you need love."

"Fuck."

"Don't swear, young lady. Don't swear. When people say right things about you, don't swear. I know you just try to hide your weakness by swearing. I promise everything will be okay, someday. After you press the play button, and start over your life. Don't waste your life, you're still young. You will find another good things. Good love is on the way."

I look at the sky. Dark. Still dark. Still no moon. But some stars are sparkling there. I smile, suddenly. I don't know why but I smile.

"Is he fine there?" ask me. I still look at the sky, looking for something I don't really know, but I can feel it. I think I can feel the one I'm looking for. He's there, he's always there. And fine.

"Noone knows. But I think you know it."

"He's smiling at me." I giggle. The conversation turns to be silly. This is like reading teenlit.

"I'm smiling at you too," he says, calmly.

"How many girls melted after listening to your words?" ask me. I don't really listen what he just said.

"Noone. I'm a gay."

"What the--? Are you serious?"

"I think you take everything seriously."

"Are you..." I pause, look through his brown eyes. I know there'll be something weird on my voice, "an angel?"

He smiles, mysteriously. "I thought you ain't a religious one, young lady. I know you don't believe with heaven things."

"So, once again, who are you?" I'm curious. This is not good. I don't even know what kind of thing I'm talking to.

"You will know. Soon. When you open your eyes."

--
a night escape after webprog class. damn you gatot. I feel like hell is around me every Tuesday. bloody fcking Tuesday.