I haven't said before that my life was bad, but this is bad. You'll find how much nightmares you've been afraid of in me.
--
Night can be called a night when you need a human-made to see the light. I am sitting on the porch, with Gravity song on my ear. My lips are locked. My throats deeply understanding every word this song said. Every single meaning behind it.
Gravity stay the hell away from me.
How can we describe thing as 'bad'? What the criteria--the real criteria to state it as a bad? If you think your life is bad, how can you know that it was or will be good? Isn't bad is just a word to blame for every mistake you've done? For every risk you've taken? For every chances you've left? For every word you've said?
Because what I learned, what you did reflects to what is happening now and what will happen later.
It's a karma. It's not about good nor bad. It's a life.
So what, if your life isn't what you captured before? If it's all about the risk you've taken, the chances you've left, the mistakes you've done, words you've said--how dare you blame for what you got today? Life is always good, you know. For every bad you think it is, you have to look down, see around, to feel what other might feel. To see what other can see that you can't. To understand that you don't have to underestimate your life. No, it's not bad. It's good. It's always good.
Bad is just a perspective.
Because you know, it's life anyway.
Bad or good, it's how you see it.
It's all about perspective.
I don't know whether he's getting too old, or we stay young, but the Born and Raised album is supposed to listen in the porch while having a cup of hot tea in your late 40s. You look back at your life, remember what you've done; your failure, your success, your fault, your regret, your disappointment; but at your age--with what you've been through, you know all you can do is just letting it go, and move on.
So after all the brokenheart and galauness songs in Battle Studies album, he wants to tell us to move on and look deep at our life, and, somehow just live it. He might lose his youth soul. The album is so country and folk, he can even have duet with Tantowi Yahya. I'm not saying the album is bad, it's just, I don't listen John Mayer songs the way I used to.
I have to add his first single, Shadow Days, has beautiful lyrics. The most beautiful ever. I love it from the first sentence to the last were amazing. His thought was brilliant, and you can love it at the first time you listen it. But while you listen to the whole album, you might feel like, "was that really you, John?".

remember what he said in Stop This Train song,
So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young
He might just too scared,
and force us to be old with him.
But, youth is just a matter of mindset. The youth soul live forever no matter what your age is.
We can be forever young though.
It's just how you choose you want to live your life with.
but then again, who am I to judge?
So after all the brokenheart and galauness songs in Battle Studies album, he wants to tell us to move on and look deep at our life, and, somehow just live it. He might lose his youth soul. The album is so country and folk, he can even have duet with Tantowi Yahya. I'm not saying the album is bad, it's just, I don't listen John Mayer songs the way I used to.
I have to add his first single, Shadow Days, has beautiful lyrics. The most beautiful ever. I love it from the first sentence to the last were amazing. His thought was brilliant, and you can love it at the first time you listen it. But while you listen to the whole album, you might feel like, "was that really you, John?".

remember what he said in Stop This Train song,
So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young
He might just too scared,
and force us to be old with him.
But, youth is just a matter of mindset. The youth soul live forever no matter what your age is.
We can be forever young though.
It's just how you choose you want to live your life with.
but then again, who am I to judge?
Mengerikan tidak sih membayangkan betapa banyak orang di Indonesia ini terlihat sangat kurang kerjaan? Hal-hal yang tidak penting dan tidak sepantasnya digubris, dijadikan pekerjaan baru sebagai pengisi waktu luang. Mencari-cari kesalahan, mengarang-ngarang alasan, membuat-buat keadaan, sehingga rasa yang tersisa hanyalah menjijikan.
Generalisir adalah satu hal yang saya tidak suka. Kalau satu begini, yang lain juga begini. Tidak bisa begitu lah. Itu juga alasan mengapa kita diciptakan berbeda-beda. Mengapa Indonesia menyuruh kita untuk bersatu dalam perbedaan. Karena kita berbeda, tidak sama, dan tidak bisa disama-samakan.
Kenyataan bahwa banyak orang di Indonesia ini "terlalu peduli" dengan sekitar juga sangat mengganggu. Whatever it is you do, you're always wrong, and people always judge. Kita tidak diberi kesempatan untuk menjelaskan keadaan. Tidak diberi waktu untuk sekedar dimengerti.
It's your life that you are living in. Jangan pernah terlalu mengurusi hidup orang lain, karena pada akhirnya, your life that counts.
....or am I too careless?

I want to live my life to the fullest instead.
happy new year.
goodbye, 2011.
please take away my surrender and sorrow with you.
Kalau kesabaran sudah dibatasi untuk sesuatu,
dan sesuatu yang terbatasi oleh kesabaran adalah hidup saya sendiri,
apa yang bisa saya lakukan?
Jika semesta memang lupa untuk memasukkan plot bahagia dalam kisah saya,
menambahkan kepedihan atas nama pelajaran,
menumbuhkan penghujatan atas nama kesabaran,
lantas, apa yang sebenarnya semesta inginkan dari saya?
Pertanyaan demi pertanyaan,
yang semakin banyak bukan semakin terjawab malah semakin memusingkan.
Tentang hidup.
Tentang semesta.
Serta diantara keduanya.
Katanya, orang pasti lebih memiliki hati atau lebih memiliki otak dalam menjalani hidup yang ia pilih.
Katanya, "If you can't do something smart, do something good."
Saya sungguh tidak mengerti mereka yang menertawakan atas musibah orang lain.
Di mana hati mereka?
Di mana otak mereka?
Saya rasa yang tersisa dalam diri mereka hanyalah kotoran saja.

Di sini. Saat ini.
Sekali lagi.
Saya tidak akan pernah percaya dengan 'sahabat'
Katanya, "If you can't do something smart, do something good."
Saya sungguh tidak mengerti mereka yang menertawakan atas musibah orang lain.
Di mana hati mereka?
Di mana otak mereka?
Saya rasa yang tersisa dalam diri mereka hanyalah kotoran saja.

Di sini. Saat ini.
Sekali lagi.
Saya tidak akan pernah percaya dengan 'sahabat'




But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
--
one of my favourite song when I was kid,
made me thinking about myself and wondering..
Who am I inside? What do I want? What do I have to do?
Learn from mistakes. Then we'll know who we really are.
And remember; Be yourself. Because everyone else is already taken.
and after all,
Jati diri itu gak pernah pergi ke mana-mana, adanya di diri lo, jadi gak perlu dicari-cari. ;p
When the word "why" is not enough to explain what have happened in your life lately. It goes ups and downs. It runs from somewhere to nowhere. It walks down the pathways, yet climbs cruelly to the peak.
Times... times...
please stop for a while..

I just want to take deep breaths and feel the moments...
here comes the future that you've been waiting for
here comes the future that you've been afraid of

"Kalian kalau berdoa hanya untuk diri kalian sendiri?
Egois sekali.
Doa tuh; 'Ya Allah, semoga semua orang di dunia ini masuk surga'
Emang enak gitu, di surga sendirian?"
- Pak Iskandar, Guru Matematika SMA
"Apa menurut kalian, orang yang sangat baik di dunia, tapi tidak memiliki keyakinan seperti apa yang kalian yakini, tidak berhak masuk surga? Tuhan itu Maha Adil."
"Tuhan itu hanya satu. Manusia nya yang memiliki sudut pandang berbeda dalam melihat Tuhan. Sama seperti matahari yang dilihat dalam sudut pandang beda-beda, tapi tetap yang kita lihat adalah matahari. Apa kita pantas mempermasalahkan siapa yang paling benar dalam cara melihat Tuhan?"
- Pak Yoga, Dosen Character Building I
"Tidak ada satupun manusia yang sebenarnya atheis. Karena di saat kita lagi susah, pasti ada suatu kali manusia itu bilang, 'Ya Tuhan, tolong saya..'"
"Tuhan itu tidak cukup dilihat dengan hal "kecil" yang ada di bumi. Lihat bagaimana planet-planet di tata surya mampu berputar tanpa bertabrakan, lihat lagi di luar tata surya, bagaimana bisa ada planet-planet dan bintang-bintang yang tidak mengganggu pergerakan bumi kita. Otak manusia itu tidak mampu berfikir dan menampung semua kebesaran Tuhan. Bumi itu hanya sebagian kecil dari kehidupan dan ciptaan Tuhan."
- Pak Heru, Dosen Character Building III

I try to stop cursing stupid people because I know it wouldn't make them smarter nor make me look smarter than them.
and it's hard. damn.

Some time in your life, you'd wish you were a musician. You'd wish you'd record albums, make music videos, and have tour. In my imagination, I do that very often. I would sing an accoustic-kinda-jazzy music, only with two guitars and sometimes a piano. I would cover one The Beatles song in my album; it would be Hey, Jude or Something. I would sing 3 brokenheart songs, I wrote one of them. Two other songs were about life. Two other songs were about love that doesn't work. One other was about love that makes people happy. And the last, I would cover Chrisye's song; Badai Pasti Berlalu. The album title would be Azure, which means Blue Sky. My first single was The Beatles cover, the music video would be black and white, and you could feel emptiness when you watch it. Silly enough? That's how my imagination works.
Maybe Albert Einstein was right. He said imagination is better that reality. Because in reality, I can't even sing. I can't really make music. I don't have guts to sing in front of people.
In imagination, we could be anything we would be.
In imagination, we could live in anything you wanted to be.
In imagination, we were wild. We were perfect. We were free. We were beyond anything.
Because imagination has no boundaries.
Mungkin memang benar bahwa hidup itu seperti lingkaran. Kita berputar bersama waktu, berkeliling mengitari momen dalam hidup. Setapak demi setapak menelusuri naik-turunnya rute kejadian.
Dan sejauh apapun kita pergi, secepat apapun kita berlari, tanpa sadar kita sebenarnya akan selalu kembali.
Ke titik awal.
"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter & The Order of Phoenix.
Having my last 3 weeks being a twenty... and I still got much dreams that haven't been achieved.
Living in UK is one of them.
"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."
Tom Hansen, (500) Days of Summer
It's not being alone that I'm afraid of. Feeling lonely when I'm around people is worse than that. Lonely because I know I don't belong there. Lonely because people keep ignoring me, and if they notice me--they do bitch to me. As far as I try so hard to be there, my heart still can't accept that. Sad, I know. But I can't ignore the feeling. I have to face this loneliness.
Because we can close our eyes to the things we don't want to see,
but we can't close our heart to the things we don't want to feel.
This is a beginning although this is an end
I got a sight of heaven and it's gone straight to my head
And the time is right for falling, this time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay for a taste of your sweet love
That's the price I must pay for a taste of your sweet love
I'm gonna fall.. this time I'll fall... gonna fall....
Something in your glances puts a spell on me
As the world fades all around you're all that I can see
And the time is right for falling this time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay for a taste of your sweet love
I'm gonna fall.. this time I'll fall... gonna fall....
(Ash - I'm Gonna Fall)
--
mungkin layaknya tetesan hujan,
memang begitu,
memang adanya,
dan aku terjebak dalam takdir itu;
selalu jatuh.
Kamu terjebak di bawah sinar. Di belakang objek yang selama ini mengikutimu. Tanpa bisa menjadi bentuk yang mandiri, yang tidak tergantung pada apapun.
Tanpa cahaya, kamu tidak ada.
Aku yang kini bukan bayanganmu. Aku tak butuh objek untuk terus aku ikuti. Aku bukanlah bayangan yang tidak bisa bersinar di kegelapan. Aku menciptakan sendiri bayanganku, berteman dengan cahayaku sendiri. Aku memiliki koreografi sendiri di tiap gerakanku, tidak perlu lagi mencontoh tarianmu seperti yang lalu. Aku yang sekarang, tidak lagi terjebak di belakangmu. Aku tidak lagi tergantung akan apapun.
Karena tanpa cahaya, aku tetap ada.
--
Yashica & fuji exp 2007.
No editing.
This is why I love analog <3 div="">3>
"A good friend stabs you in the front, not in the back." - Sitta Karina
Salah satu hal yang paling saya benci dan jijik di dunia ini adalah backstabbers. Apa susahnya sih mengkritik langsung ke orangnya? Straight to the point itu jauh lebih terhormat. Bukan malah mengumpulkan sekutu untuk menjelek-jelekkan orang, atau sama-sama gembira di atas penghinaan terhadap orang lain. Padahal tanpa mereka sadari yang mereka tertawakan adalah dosa sendiri. Oh come on, we're all grown ups. Kecuali kalau pilihan mereka adalah just growing old instead.
Melawan backstabbers bukan dengan ikut menjelek-jelekkan mereka di belakang, tidak mau kalah mengumpulkan teman untuk melawan mereka. Kalau begitu, apa bedanya kita dengan mereka? John Mayer pernah bilang, "Anybody who criticizes you is a wimp. So be you. And be you loud, and be you strong, and be you to the maximum." So why don't we just be awesome instead? Kebanyakan backstabbers sebenarnya adalah perkumpulan orang-orang iri sehingga mereka mencari-cari kejelekkan kita--dan bahkan apapun yang kita lakukan dianggap salah oleh mereka. Ketika kita menjadi awesome, orang-orang yang iri itu akan menjadi lebih kalah.
Always return bad remarks with polite smile. Toh ketika kita melakukan sesuatu yang baik, sesuatu baik yang lain akan kembali ke kita. Apapun dan bagaimanapun bentuknya.
Kadang, kemenangan adalah membiarkan mereka puas menghina kita di belakang, tanpa mereka tahu bahwa sebenarnya kita tahu dan kita senang-senang saja karena itu.
Life goes on, dan hidup kita tidak berhenti hanya karena backstabbers. We have to move on. Biar hidup mereka yang stuck karena terlalu sibuk membenci kita, bukan kita yang terlalu sibuk memikirkan cara balas dendam ke mereka.
Jalan ini mengantarku menuju rumah. Ke tempat yang paling nyaman. Ke tempat di mana hatiku kutinggalkan.
Jalan ini lurus, berbelok-belok. Merefleksikan tiap satuan kenangan yang berjalan mundur ketika aku di atasnya. Membayangkan detil kejadian yang ingin diwujudkan.
Tapi aku masih banyak mimpi. Masih banyak usaha yang belum kulakukan untuk mewujudkan mimpi itu. Masih terlalu banyak harapan yang akan kulewatkan jika aku kembali.
Aku akan mencoba bertahan.

